Recently I had a heart-to-heart talk with a friend who’s having some trouble with her relationship. I was in the same place where she is right now. LOST. I was struggling to figure out the situation—finding answers to my own questions to the point of justifying things just to save the relationship. I was in a beautiful relationship for 8 years. YES, I consider it beautiful simply because it made me a better person right now. Through the relationship’s ups and downs, we were able to recognize at the end that there are certain things in the relationship that aren’t working anymore. And as two mature people in the relationship, we need to decide whether to move forward or stop and move on with our lives separately.
You may ask, haven’t you tried both to save it? The answer?
YES… many times. We did, but in the end, we fail. Why? Because we found ourselves not the same person anymore when we started the relationship. We don’t see eye to eye anymore. And the more you hardly push things to work, the more it will not work.
So what advice did I gave to my friend? I did not. I just re-tell my story to her. That I was in the same place where she is right now, that it took me a year to fully decide to end the relationship, that we have different battles but we feel the same, yet it doesn’t mean that the ending of her love story will be the same as mine.
I saw her in tears at some point, and I wish I could do something to ease the pain because I know from experience that it’s a terrible feeling. Terrible, though I am glad mine was over. When you see a friend feeling the same way you felt 2 years ago, you will remember how it felt like.
Towards the end of our conversation, I was thinking deeply how that chapter of my life taught me so much—about myself, about loving, and about life in general. I wanted to share these with you. My 8 lessons from my 8-year relationship. Never mind that it didn’t have a happy ending. You will surely smile at the end of this. I assure you, so let me start.
1. Friendship is the best foundation of any relationship.
True enough. We build the strongest friendship we could ever have before jumping into the next level of the relationship. Because there’s no greater feeling than knowing that the person you love is the same person you wanted to share with—your hopes and dreams, someone who may see the worst in you but will not judge you; instead, will constantly guide you in the right direction. It was a beautiful friendship for 8 years, and until the very end, we found ourselves valuing the friendship more than anything else.
2. When you decide to love the person you love fully with no reservation.
I don’t believe in the 90-10% rule. You give 90% love to the other and put some restraint of 10% to yourself? Do you need to do that? When you love, you love—fully, with all your heart and soul. Sometimes you may be blinded by that love, and sometimes you will forget yourself in the process of loving the person. Take no offense; sleep on it. One day you will realize that, and eventually, you will begin to evaluate things. But for now, take your time, love fully. Allow yourself to grow in the process. If not, then continue to love even more—until such time that you get tired. I hope that by the time that you realize you’ve had enough, you will choose to love yourself and give yourself the love that was lost when you love the person more than yourself. I was able to find myself that love of self and eventually re-evaluate the choices and decisions I made. For all its worth, I owe it to myself to get back what was lost in me when I chose to love the person so much—no regrets—at all.
3. It is your choice to love the person on his/her best or worst possible self.
Love is a decision. Every day you will get to know the person, through their good days and bad days. Every day you will discover many things about them, and eventually, there comes a time that their own demons will confront you. Right in front of you, and you will have that choice to accept and love the person or leave the person at their worst. For 8 years, I’ve seen the good and the bad about the person. I also got the chance to see my own demons as well. But I chose to stay, for I believe each of us is a beautiful creation. Sometimes we are just pushed to our limits allowing ourselves to reveal what was ugly in us. It’s part of the package when you love the person; you accept them at their best and their worst.
4. You can’t force the person to change; they must change for themselves.
There are a lot of things for 8 years that I want the other to change. But that did not happen. Because you can’t really force yourself on the person, you can’t impose rules on them unless they wanted to. Funny because when we finally decided to part ways, I saw the changes I wanted to see in him. A 360-degree turn. Sadly, it took him to lose the relationship to recognize that he needs to change something. If I only knew, I should have ended the relationship earlier and not until it reaches 8 years! Hahaha, But no, everything has a reason, and everything has its own time. I am glad that, in the end, we were able to save ourselves.
5. There are always bad days in a relationship.
You need to adjust until such time that you both know how to handle it. The first few years of any relationship are purely adjusting to one another. When you think the bad days are over, then think again. From time to time, you will get tested. There’s nothing more worst of a feeling than being on bad days with the person you love. As the song says: “I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.” That’s because you love the person, and you want to weather the storm together. Until we reached the 6th year of our relationship, we’re able to adjust fully to one another, but be careful—this is where I think the issue started. We were too complacent with our relationship that we forgot to nurture it. When we have the chance to recognize it, it was already too late.
6. You don’t own the person.
Allow each other to grow individually. I was lucky enough to be in a relationship that doesn’t hinder me with the things I wanted to do with my life. I have my freedom to go out with friends, the freedom to decide on my own. You both must grow together; at the same time, you take some time off to let yourself grow on your own. Do not allow yourself to stop achieving your dreams because the other person doesn’t support you. It would be best if you were both supportive of your individual goals. Remember that the best relationships are those that can help you nurture your other relationship—your family and your friends.
7. When your greatest strength becomes your greatest weakness.
Often, the very person who gives us strength is the very same person who makes us weak. When I was on the edge of giving up, I was afraid I’d come out in the relationship shattered and broken. Comes the point that I was scared even to begin picturing my life without the person. But I pulled myself up and realized that your weakness is eventually the same reason you gather your strength. When you are at your weakest and hit rock bottom, you will know who has been there for you. It was YOU and will always be YOU that will pick up yourself. You will become your solid ground. I took that leap because I know by doing so, I will see myself in a better place.
8. And finally, when you truly realize that there’s no such thing as forever, only a lifetime.
A lifetime to try and fix things.
A lifetime to re-think about your choices.
A lifetime to find the answers to one most important question that will change your life — WHAT DO YOU WANT?
A lifetime of freedom to explore what you can do and what you are meant to be in this world.
A lifetime of rediscovering the things you love most and enjoy it while it lasts.
A lifetime prayer for the happiness of the other person.
A lifetime of realization that when a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean friendship will end too. You might ask: Are you still friends with him? Yes. I still get to see him, talk to him, and see we’re both in a much better place apart. It sounds sad for the romantics, but it’s the best way we know to save the friendship we have. It’s the realists in me talking.
A lifetime to heal yourself and open up again to a new relationship. But please make sure you’re fully healed from your past relationship before jumping off to another ship.
A lifetime journey to get to know yourself better.
A lifetime to prove yourself that there is more to life than being too stuck with each other.
A lifetime to wander places and get a grasp about the beauty of the world.
A lifetime to spend time with the people you love, family and friends who have been there for you through your ups and downs.
And in between that lifetime is your choice to live your life the way you wanted it to be lived and finally be happy with the choice you’ve made.
“At the end of the day, we will choose to live by reality…not by the fairy tale.”
*First published at msxysarhea.com
*Image: unsplash.com
